How to Survive If You Have No One to Kiss on Valentine’s Day

Kiss a pet.

Dogs are generally agreeable and have relatively clean mouths. Cats are usually well groomed but are more passive and tend to demand more affection than they’re willing to give. Either way, keep your mouth closed.

Kiss yourself.

Find a mirror, pucker up, lean close, and kiss. Do not attempt to use your tongue. Wipe the mirror clean when you’re done. You might also try the back of your hand.

Kiss a celebrity.

Watch a favorite movie or show on television and kiss the screen when an appealing star has a close-up. Use the pause and rewind functions on your remote to better line up with your beloved. Make sure the screen is clear of dust and static before you lean in, and wipe away any evidence when you’re done.

Hug a pillow.

Full-body pillows are more satisfying.

Facetime a friend.

Call up another single friend to commiserate and suggest a virtual smooch. Tip: like most kisses, this one works best if you lean in at the same time.

David Borgenicht