How to Find Common Ground with Anyone
In divisive times, it can be difficult to find points of unity. But it’s important to try nevertheless.
State your desire to find common points of interest.
Remember that you cannot find common ground unless you are both seeking it. Say how you feel about the situation, and that you think that if you talk openly and honestly you may be able to find common ground.
For example, “I feel sad that we are in such conflict lately. And I believe we would be better off if we can find out what we agree upon and work towards that.”
Ask them if they are willing to say the same. If so, you have a chance at finding points of connection.
Acknowledge that you have different experiences and as a result have different opinions and beliefs.
Say, “I would like to hear your story. Tell me about yourself, and I will tell you about myself.” This will not only give you insights and potential points of connection but will make them feel seen and heard. Get personal—find out about their upbringing, their family, their hobbies and passions.
Ask open-ended questions.
Questions such as “What was that like?” “How did you manage that?” “Why did you choose ____?”and “How did you feel?” will provide more opportunity for information in the absence of judgement, and again, points of connection.
When you find a topic of common ground, pursue that topic further.
Indicate your interest in the topic, express the common ground, and ask more open ended questions. For example, “Interesting! I also grew up in a small town. What was it like to grow up there? What did you like to do as a kid?” Spending time on this topic will create a feeling of mutual respect and understanding.
When you find a point of potential disagreement, ask non-judgmental and open-ended questions to see if you can find common ground that exists on a higher level.
For example, “I see we disagree about climate change. But how do you feel about pollution and cleaning up the planet?”
Often, moving to a higher level will allow you to find the point of common ground.
If things get heated, move on.
Do not stay on a topic if it’s clear that you have no common ground or cannot find it. Say, “it looks like we don’t see eye to eye here—let’s put a pin in that and move on to something else that’s important to you.”
Take deep breaths, and practice active listening.
Do not react to a comment that immediately triggers your emotions, even if you “know” they are clearly “wrong.” Remember that your goal is to find points of agreement, not disagreement, and active listening will help you. Stay silent, and try not to formulate responses until after the person you are speaking with has finished what they are saying. And remember, it takes practice, so no one is perfect at this!
If you find a point of common interest, acknowledge that.
Say, “I’m glad we found out that we agree _______ needs to be improved, even if we don’t agree on how to do that.” State that you wonder if they would be willing to explore that topic further to find alternative answers.
When you have finished talking, thank them for taking the time to do so.
Tell them how nice it was to hear more about their story and how they feel about _____, and that you look forward to talking more about whatever it is you can agree upon, despite your differences.
PRO TIP:
Remember that your body language speaks volumes. Smile, make eye contact, and show affirmative listening responses when talking in order to encourage more sharing. Nodding with an expression of “I hear you,” without saying that you agree is a good way to encourage more dialogue.